January 12th, 2007
|10:33 pm - Here I Am Once Again|
So it's that time of the year again... a new semester. It also happens to be my last semester of buying books, moving through the ass to ass traffic on the sidewalks and also hearing the drowning lectures of hot-air filled professors that have to polish off their PhD.s in order to feel better about themselves. On top of that I am faced with the task of finding a job once college ends since I decided not to be a teacher anymore. That's right folks.. I lept off the edge and took a chance in order to hopefully pursue some sort of dreams that are lying dormant in my noggin.
At the moment life is full of its good days and its not so colorful days, needless to say the last few have been more tiresome and troublesome than peachy. Usually all it takes is a glance at the faces that pass by me in order to set the tone in my mind for what the day is going to be like. It's funny to base my mood on that, but you'd be surprised how much of an impact that is. Conversations, interactions, dissatisfactions all have a part to play in the inner workings of one Marcus Upchurch's mind. But alas, I'm just wired a little differently than the average bear and hopefully the days will unfold some sort of master plan that I can follow to the "T".
I've been more or less throwing all of my creative juices and ideas into a little black journal that Gerry bought for me for Christmas. So that is probaby why I haven't felt the desire to really throw up something on here.
Everyday I feel myself slowly teetering oneway or the other away from the Path and I think that it is helping me kind of get my boundaries established so I know what is capable of me and what isn't. Also I'm coming to realize those out there that I want to associate myself with in future encounters and who I want to cut ties with in the hopes of bettering my own mood and life. Its sad coming across someone who you thought was going to be of some sort of significance only to see their true self be something that is ugly and undesirable.
I find myself bordering on depresso-Marcus right now and it really sucks because I know that I could take a week or two and just stew in that state of consciousness and probably take that time to re-evaluate my life.. my mistakes.. missed opportunities and then hopefully emerge from that cocoon a better and newly improved Marcus but honestly I'm not sure if it would really help. Seclusion seems such a tempting choice but I know that it's not healthy.
Just have to push it down deeper and see if it this shit for fertilizer produces a beautiful flower over time. Ugly-duckling complex is an optimistic concept for someone who feels they are feeding on the bottom of the social food chain.
I think I feel worse now that I wrote this journal. And lucky for me and for you I get to go to work for six-ish hours and think about the complexities of my life. Nothing a deep breath and a swig of mountain dew can't cure. Sleep seems so desirable right now.
Keep warm kids.
Current Music: Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
December 16th, 2006
|10:18 am - At 4AM it's hard to come up with catchy "hip" titles|
I've looked back over the last few month's posts and realized that I was a very upset person. Upset with my life, upset with my circumstances, yet I really didn't do much to change them. In the present, I still have some of the same things going on but I feel better about how things are playing out. The biggest change has been my recent move from education back to literature. I've decided to become a writer. I know that it's a bold, risky and some of you may call it stupid move in career, but it is a passion of mine. These ideas will just float around in my head if I don't jot them down. Have to make room in there for more ideas.
Christmas break has finally showed up and now I can relax and collect myself and my thoughts before my last semester in college.
My birthday was this past tuesday and I thank all of you that helped me celebrate and enjoy it. I assure you the day after was most unpleasant. It just so happened that it was the day that I had planned on studying for finals and finishing semester projects. Good for me they weren't too terribly difficult.
So now I have three weeks of freedom and opportunity in front of me. I just have to wake up each morning and take what I can from it before it rushes past.
I'm glad to say that the future looks promising. Opportunities are making theirselves known to me and I see myself being very happy with the upcoming weeks. I feel change is coming and it is exciting to see what will happen. It's another turn of the page in this novel called Life. I guess I'll just to see what happens next.
December 4th, 2006
|07:36 pm - Come to a Fork in the Road|
Ah so another update which is long overdue has become your latest viewing pleasure. I promise I'll try to be brief. So at the beginning of December a lot of things have changed (most of you know already), but I have changed my major out of English Education and decided to be a regular English Lit major and graduate in May. Needless to say I'm pretty enthused to get out of here as soon as possible and explore the rest of this blue ball.
Besides that I have a birthday (22nd) coming up in a week and it seems that I have to try to find time in order to get it fit in. Between portfolios for my education program (that don't mean anything) and a final on monday morning, I'd like to have some fun in there for the good ol b-day. But the question has arisen.. what do I want to do for my b-day. And simply all I can come up with is.. I really don't know. It's hard to come up with something when you are so used to not having a party. Last year was mono, the year before that was a buttload of finals and so on. Just seems that I really can't make up my mind about the damn thing.
Oh well. I'm sure it will all fall into place somehow. It usually does. At the least I'll get myself a six-pack and watch Dragonball Z or Star Trek that night. At least I can get drizzy and still enjoy a good show. Hope finals aren't bringing you down too much folks, just remember the end is in sight.
November 16th, 2006
I find myself at the water's edge, half-way tempted to leap forward and strike full out into it. However I find myself hesitant to leave the comfortable territory that has shown me no harm over the years, yet the glistening sun on the face of the water and the hypnotic rythm of the waves are calling to me. A booming voice that reverberates inside my skull and makes me quake down to the very balls of my feet. The crash and then sudden retreat of the waves almost seems to be inviting me to join it in the open air. As if a water spirit took form before my very eyes and looked at me with eyes set aglow in a blaze of aquatic life and whispered toward me with a cool airy voice to come.
I would finish this now but something else is calling me away. I'll do a quick finish later on tonight
November 12th, 2006
|07:17 am - That's What I Was Most Afraid Of|
Tomorrow gives way to the beginning of a new week, and I find myself thinking back on the past four months. Decisions made, opportunities missed and goals not reached.. it's all been a hodgepodge of emotions and feelings, bundled together in one large mesh inside my mind. Needless to say, everyday is a never-ending rollercoast, and I hate rollercoasters. It seems that my emotional balance is waining and I can't seem to strike the right equilibrium to keep me going from one day to the next. One day I'm flying high and the next I'm on the border of depression. Something is off-kilter and it is really bugging me. Though I am feeling myself leaning towards the latter.
Focusing on the next minute, the next hour is the only way it seems to keep going. Looking past the problem at the end solution is really the force that gets me through the constant shit I seem to be wading through. I wish I could just start over. A clean slate somewhere else, where I am free to rebuild my own identity. I know how the Invisible Man felt. If only Ellison was the writer of my life, perhaps I would be able to solve life's great mysteries about identity and individualism, but alas I am a simpleton from a small state, tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the world. A mere pawn in a game of life that is bigger than you and me.
I'm pretty sure that I missed my chance at something great... actually I'm positive that I did. At least three times. Good chances of being happy that came and went all because of my short-sidedness and selfishness. Now I find myself at a dead end with no where to go except a deadend that leads to unhappiness.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore. So many thoughts run through my head. Only God can help shoulder the load on my mind, yet I feel the rift between us and as I try to make amends with my Creator, I feel that there is a battle being raged all over the grassy fields of my soul, not only for my eternal existance but that of the mortal one as well. Where will this poor man end up in the next five years, ten years? Time flies by fast enough, that it won't take long to find out where our main character will find himself on the last pages of his great story. A climatic ending is waiting to be conjured up and writen down, yet the hand that writes it is too nervous to admit to himself of his own doubt.
The great source of my misery lies within my own negativity really. My downtroden nature, the self-defeatist attitude about my life and how I am unable to be a normal member of society and find another soul on this great blue ball of water and dirt. Yet it seems that the heartland has a heart that would be willing to pair up with mine. The good ones were wasted already. All of the opportunity here as dried up and I find myself surrounded by people in love. Those that I thought were incapable of finding romance suprise me everyday by proving me wrong. Even the worst forms of life can find another to co-habitate with. Why must I be the odd man out? Does God have this written in my book for a reason? To observe with a jealous heart of flesh that of which I have most desired for the last five years. The cliche advice no longer has an effect on me so please save your breate and my time by keeping it to yourself.
A lonely existance I have created for myself. There is no one else to blame but myself for my outcome, but I feel the hole is too steep to climb out of so what else can I do?
Everyday plays out like the rest: a dull repetition that offers no variety or change in my view on the world or myself. I am fairly certain that I am being ridiculed right now by many of you for my ramblinb, but this is for me more than for you. I do not write to entertain but for the pure release of feelings that I keep pent up in my heart.
I am a jealous bastard, but why? Shouldn't I bask in the wonderfulness of being single? No one to boss me around or pull my heart along on a leash? I suppose it's a lot of things that bend my thoughts to the will of finding another. Horomones are a dangerous instrument in the hands of a twenty-one year old man.
I'm glad I get to wake up every morning to live this crummy life. Papers, tests and projects await me for the next three weeks so in the end I can have a short break in my life to sit on my ass alone and contemplate everything some more. When that's over I get to start school again and relive these days for another six months. So exciting..
All of those people that I counted on in the past are far beyond my reach and I feel that I am trapped beyond aid. I so wish to be heard. I wish for a lot of things, but alas it is time to dream of a life so much better than my own. Hopefully sometimes comes along to change this repeating track.
Current Music: The Album Leaf
October 8th, 2006
|05:13 am - The Sound of Silence|
Soit's been a while and here I am again, full of emotions, thoughts, and worthless bullshit to put to pen and paper... well keystrokes and monitor screens. I'm debating whether or not to put all of it out there in chapter and verse for the whole world to analyze, empathize and maybe even sympathize with just because I really don't care if the world takes the time to ponder the well-being of one twenty-one year old man. Yet, everyone likes to think that the people that love them think about them from time to time, but I'm a torn and self-abusive man that really doesn't have the solidity in his life to think such positive thoughts, so I'll take the high road and just stick to a neutral mentality on the things that make my life move forward (or sometimes backward).
It'd be a bold move to say that I'm depressed because that isn't really the true diagnosis. I am definitely on the downward end. If my life was summed up by a 20th century decade, it'd be the 1930s. Depression, the rise of communism, dust bowl throwing shit everywhere... yea that's me at the moment. A lull that seems to spread out into the unknown forever and ever. No end in sight, no hope, just passing each day wondering if something will change to break the monotony of the dull days and uneventful nights. I'm fairly certain that it's the fall and the transition to the bleak winter months that is affecting my mood, but i'm sure there is a deeper psychological meaning behind it all that i'm supressing beneath the surface. What is it this time you may ask? Same old stuff. Loneliness, insecurity, self-doubt, lack of understanding about life and what it means for me. Before you rush to your phones and punch in my number to check and see if I'm "ok" let me just say that really there isn't much that people can say to me right now tha twould flip the internal switch and turn frowny face Marcus into happy, chipper Marcus. Stuff like that is made for fairytales and my life is far from it.
The last two nights (this night being one of them) I have been feeling quite sad. Usually it's a thought, a word or phrase, or even an action that triggers my sadness to the point that I have to fight back tears. It reminds me of the times when I was a freshman in high school and I suffered from depression for half of the year. I would come home from school and.... (before I share this part of my life, I hope that you all can appreciate the delicacy of my situation and not laugh at me for things that I did in the past because at the time it was the only way for me to really release my pent up feelings) I would come home from school and put on my favorite scene from Star Trek VIII : First Contact, which was the scene when first contact took place. Anyways, its not the dialogue, or the stage directions that really touch me. It's the music, that is written in a minor key. It's about twenty of so bars of the song that just make me cry. For some reason it is the climax of this song and I used to just cry. I would replay it about ten or so times and just sit there and force myself to cry because for some reason it was the only way for me to release what I was feeling inside. I'm not saying that I'm flipping my DVD player on and watching that same thing(although the thought had occured to me) but I'm definitely close to that state of mind where I need a point of release. I can't just take a big breath and shout from the den of my room because that would be odd and I don't thikn people would appreciate being woken up at 3 in the morning by a deep yawp.
I just go through my routine. Early to rise, work, school, a little play and then sleep in the whee hours of the night. Rinse and repeat again and again and again and again. Sometimes I wonder if its all worth it. The four year education in order to go and educate children of the next generation and then come home at night to my shitty life and just be all cheery and wonderful the next day at class. "Hello boys and girls, today we are going to learn about Shakespeare." Goodness. Is there a solution? I don't know. At the moment there isn't much else I can do except focus on work and just enjoy the few brief moments when the rain isn't beating down on me and I can take a breath.
I wish I could do great things with myself, but my own self-imposed limitations hold me back from breaking through and saying "I want to do this!" Where is the shelter in the midst of this storm? Where is the light that breaks through the clouds and says "this way." I'm fairly certain that God is sitting there, watching me intently to see how I handle this time of my life. Sitting there and cheering me on and leading the cheerleaders and marching band to encourage me forward to the end zone where I can do my victory dance in the face of the devil. It's definitely there. It's definitely there.
You have stopped reading by now. Or you have just stopped caring altogether which is fine. I've lost a good many people and friends along the way. That's another weight to add to the bar... my friends. THe ones that I held close are now outside of arm's reach. Taken by another, they are led off to greener pastures. I was probably the training wheels to their life. That's true for most people though, we all have those people in the tough parts of our lives that we cling onto and then some of the time we just drift apart and find those that are more compatible with our situation.
The two pillars of my life have now drifted onto other greater things. I wish them well in that and I would never say anything to the contrary, yet I wish I had at least one good strong pillar to bolster me up and keep me going everyday with some words of encouragement. At least in high school I was single, but I had my friends there to support me and be with me and we were all so much closer, with about half of the damn drama that there is now.
My greatest fear is to find myself two years from now, with my friends having moved away and myself in a career that won't satisfy my life to the fullest. Alone in an apt in small town Iowa, spending the days with myself and my thoughts, trying to scribble words on paper, only to defeat myself in the process before publishing anything that I can be proud of.
Sometimes fall can be a bitch.
September 10th, 2006
|06:19 pm - Is It To Remind You How We Were?|
Everyone has some sort of connections. Whether those be romantic connection, connections to hook up, connections for business, connections with friends, connections to get into those great parties and so on and so on. It's how those connections are acquired and maintained that really tell alot about a person. The people that use them to get to leap to that next stone in the pond and then leave them behind or the ones that use them a system of give and take; a system or mutuality. Lately I've seen a lot of both kinds and it's funny to watch and see how they evolve over time. As events transpire and literally shape the feelings that are felt among people, these connections are bent, torn, ripped and sometimes mended.
At the moment I feel fairly content with my somewhat loose but firm connections with my friends. It's a position that I'm not entirely heartbroken that I'm not lifelong friends with anyone because I feel that most people don't have that experience. The ones that I would consider to hold that title are either on the verge or change or change in location. So, I'm just watching the days on the calendar seem to fly by and here I am just the same, writing these words like I would any other day.
It's funny to watch the role of a person change. You know what I mean right? Usually everyone has a role among a group of friends. There are those that usually hold the parties or the get togethers, the one that you go to for advice, the one that carries all the drama, etc. Sometimes these roles overlap and one person can be responsible for playing multiple roles on the stage of life. Yet, there are times when that sudden reversal happen and the role of a person changes so drastically that its interesting to watch and see how it will play out. Lately the stage has been full of actors and lots of drama, which can be good and bad.
Ever have that moment when the drama seems drawn out and somewhat tiresome? The drama that seems to be the same old thing just on repeat? The word drama has evolve quite a bit over the generations. It was once primarily used to describe a genre of the arts dealing with serious life issues, but not it seems to have been twisted to a stressful thing much more than serious. It's almost a brand that you give a person. For instance, one person may say "Oh Frank is so dramatic" and you would look around that group of people and they'd all know what that person was talking about. As if Frank was an awkward and abnormal person because they are dramatic. I find that to be quite funny because there are those people in the world that definitely have some serious issues in life which require the attention of people for help and such. And then there are those that truely have issues that don't matter in comparison or they really aren't problems but more like self-made decisions that havent worked out the way that they wanted. Needless to say the term drama has been radically altered. I hate the word altogether.
"Love is the caffine" that will get us through the night. Some of the best words (slightly modified) that I've heard all weekend and I hope that they do get turned into song lyrics.
Current Music: Snow Patrol
Common sense is kind of a funny phrase isn't it? Common sense? What is common defined as? It's one of those relative terms like ordinary or original or normal. Kind of up in the air. Anyways, I was just thinking about common sense and how sometimes i wish there was an abundance in the air for all the world to enjoy.
September 9th, 2006
|06:47 pm - On the Night Before Christmas|
Idle weekends give way to idle thoughts. Shrieks break the silence and send hearts flying high. Only thing to calm the moment is a drink from the can. A passing of another moment seems to bring back the silence that once held the stability of the night. A soothing song plays in the background but only can work so well over the noise that seems to permeate all other noises, including his best attempts to relax.
A door opens and in enters another character; another dangerous chemical to the concotion brewing in the musky, moldy cauldron. A fizzle and a snap bubble from the top and more explosions of emotion erupt.
It's only a matter of time before the great dam, that holds it all together breaks loose and out comes the flood of what shouldn't be released to anyone. Pressure builds and there isn't much to do to repair the damage that has been done.
There are the obviously attemptable solutions like alcohol, drugs, other not so pg ideas. But what's the use. It's there in the back of his mind, poking at his brain and posing a constant reminder to him that it will always be there. Drowning himself in school and work doesn't seem to bring him any shelter because in those toilsome moments his mind still seems to drift back to those agonizing memories.
Sacrifices have to be made. Someone will get hurt. Someone will try to step in and make sense of it all. But no one really and truly knows. No one but God truly knows what the situation is. People that try to sympathize just do so to safe face, but people can't really relate all the time. How can someone really try to help when they haven't been through what he has been through? It's infuriating. It's frustrating is what it is. And it drives him up the wall when others try to give him half-assed advice that doesn't require much thought.
Minute by minute, hour by hour, it seems that the night ticks slowly by until the desk is littered with cans and his mind is numb. Black tears are falling.
He didn't know what to do before and now he doesn't know how to get through the rest of his life. Like groping in the darkness for the path that will lead him to where he needs to go. Constant distractions try to tempt him to leave his course, like distant Sirens that would utterly destroy him. Only his determination can keep him safe and true, but he knows that in the end not everyone will be happy and not everyone will come out on top. Life is not a hallmark special, but he knows that in the end not all friendships or relationships are what they used to be. People fall away and he can't help but come to terms with it.
Forcing out the tears doesn't even help release the anguish that hides behind his eyes. Another night alone with his thoughts. Another night to hide away and try to make sense of the illogical things that seem to shackle him from becoming something more.
September 6th, 2006
|10:51 pm - And So It Goes|
Incidents give way to decisions which ultimately lead to solutions in one way or another. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. In my case, I'm not sure which it will be. As the weeks begin to fly rapidly by and the warm air currents of summer begin to dissipate, I feel that time is running out. With the first cool evening last week, I knew that fall, followed closely by winter, would be fast approaching. This means, decisions need to be made. Yet, I feel that I'm not the best judge or jury to cast a verdict on what should happen in the next few months. With my biased viewpoint I feel somewhat swayed towards one side. You are probably sitting at your desk, or nestled up in your beds reading this and wondering what am I talking about. As much as I would love to indulge your curiosity I cannot for fear of having countless people come up to me not soon after posting this entry and badgering me with questions, comments, opinions, colorful metaphors, etc.
Suffice it to say, once the semester comes and goes things will be different. I just have to decide how "radical" these so-called changes will be. It comes down to personal choice and personal.... restraint? Not sure if that is the best word for what I'm trying to get across. We all have our limits in multiple capacities and usually I have a high tolerance. Tolerance! That was the word I was looking for. Anyways, I have a high tolerance for taking the punches more so than dishing them out. I'm sure most of my friends can attest to that. Yet, there comes a time when the comments that once seemed so weak and so insignificant begin to add up until there's a large hemorrhage that begins to disrupt everything. Needless to say, this is what has happened. But like the quiet person that I am, I usually swallow it down like that last bite of brussels sprouts at the dinner table and walk away. Because retreat is always the safest course of action, is it not?
It isn't a matter of courage or "standing up for myself." It comes down the fact that I don't like to ruffle feathers or go against the grain. Who am I to say anything back? Conflict gets goes no where except backwards, so I choose not to engage in it.
Oh well. Another day, another set of random events to endure and assimilate into my life. It is through those adaptations that we as human beings become better people (hopefully). I wish I had more time to write like this, but work and class does not permit it, so I'm enjoying these ten minutes that I have allotted for this because I feel that this is the only real expression I have anymore. It's sad that the only person I can confer with is a non-living assemblage of wires and computer components.
Yet we are all selfish human beings at the core. With our own problems, dilemmas, situations that whole engulf our life and our thoughts. Constantly nagging us as the days and nights roll forward. Some of the time we don't have the courtesy to extend our good nature toward others when its needed the most; myself included. But like I said, we are all selfish human beings.
So cheers to a week almost over. Cheers to the weekend that fast approaches. And cheers to you who are content.
Current Music: Ben Folds - Landed